Time was that I used to live in the penthouse suite. That is, the penthouse suite in the castle. The lord didn’t want the room on the highest floor of the tallest tower because he didn’t want to walk all the way up there every night, and he was always a lazy fool. And so, it went to the court wizard who held the current duelling record…this guy. At least, it had been for a few months, after I duelled Garth the Orange-Bearded Sorcerer. Turned him into an albatross; he was so embarrassed when he changed back and realised that he had to move out!

Of course, there were disadvantages. The stairs every day, for one thing. And the heat…wow, the room got hot. I’m here right now in the Earth city of Canberra, and heating and cooling here must be at least somewhat kin with magic. Simply pressing a button on those rectangular plastic wands that they insist run on ‘electricity’ (ha!) raises my air conditioning unit from its deep, motionless sleep, after which the room becomes nice and cool in a matter of minutes. Again, this ethereal coolness is disassociated with any kind of sorcery, as if that makes even a little bit of sense. Nothing in this world is that easy.

If one day I return and claim my title and room, I’m taking these heating and cooling services with me. That incredible top-tower room, combined with air conditioning? Well no doubt it will spur my competitors onwards to defeat me even as I am spurred to defend my title. Secrets must remain guarded outside of their home realm. Then there is the matter of air conditioning repair. Canberra doesn’t appear to be cooling down any time soon if the weather lady is to be believed.  

Oh! And I’m taking one of those ‘elevators’ with me as well. That’ll be all I really need to make my living quarters the envy of the whole land. Maybe even the lord will be jealous.